Church building- designed to house pipes

Pipe organ - Regarded as the King of instruments. Inspires irrational fanaticism.

Electronic organ - A cheap substitute. No pipes, but can pick up Radio 1 on a good day

Console - Where the organist sits to play. Consists of manuals, pedals, stop knobs
flashing lights and non optional closed circuit TV to see the conductor. Consoles of larger organs resemble the flight deck of a747.

Manuals - Keyboards for the hands, just like on a piano. Each manual controls sets of pipes known as a 'division'.

Pedals - Keyboards for the feet. Not always easy to hit the right notes.

Stops - The more stops an organ has, the more it gets the organist going.

Registration- The stops selected by the organist - always down to personal taste.

Swell box - Imagine a full orchestra playing as loudly as possible all the time, in a soundproof room with the sound let out through a gigantic Venetian blind.

Toccata - Piece for organ and maniac.

Voluntary - You don't have to stay and listen.

Liturgy - Interrupts the flow of the music.

Hymns for weddings - 'The Lord's my shepherd and 'Praise my soul'.

Hymns for funerals - 'The Lord's my shepherd' and 'Praise my soul'.

Choir - Occupational hazard of being an organist. Ideal accompaniment for the organ.

Choir practice - Preparation for going down to the pub.

Modern hymn - Musically un-challenged tune for the musically challenged. Limited to about 3 notes.

Improvisation - Embarrassing music to cover embarrassing silences.

Organ shoes - Special footwear, believed by organists to facilitate more accurate pedal playing, usually with limited success.

Cathedral organist - Ultimate ambition of many church organists, ie. to give up playing the organ.

Reluctant organist - Someone in a church without an organist, who admits to being able to play the piano.

Romantic weekend in Paris - Great opportunity to see lots of fabulous organ